***This is my day three post for Blaugust***
I've always been romantically challenged. It's what I always assumed was my natural state. Anything I'd considered a relationship was, looking back, a month or two of infatuation at best. There's nothing more terrifying—at least romantically—than looking back at 30 years of romantic failures and wondering if anyone can ever truly love you.
I've mentioned before, in other places, that I've always thought of myself as a "placeholder" in relationships; that guy that holds the girl's hand between breakups. I was always the shoulder to cry on, the person to talk to on the phone for hours, the source of many a free dinner or movie, but I was never the guy that they loved. Don't mistake this as me complaining about some sort of friend-zone, because I'm not. I realize that I was the idiot that kept doing these things hoping that maybe the next one would be different. There was a lot of chances that I just plain ignored. Some of them obnoxiously obvious upon retrospection.
And so I gave up on love. It happened late last year, or maybe very early this one, but it happened all the same. One day I just woke up and said, "Fuck it! If I'm going to be single then dammit I'm going to be SO single that other single people will look at me in awe." I switched off my libido, I switched off my "charm", and proceeded to wallow in my singleness. But then something happened.
A person that was no more than another Twitter follower that I'd casually kind-of-flirted-with took a chance. She made the first move—something new to me—and almost three months later I've accepted love back in to my life. She has been the best non-work thing to happen to me in a long, long time. As much as I love her, and as much as I know she loves me, I know there's times where I may not be the perfect boyfriend. Like the title implies, my relationship mind is a bit stunted.
Mostly I'm terrified of losing her. My insecurities rear their ugly head a lot and they make me do stupid things. It's not a good excuse. I realize that. It's something I'm working on. Getting used to being in a real relationship that actually has a future is going to take a bit. Love, for the first time, is reciprocated. It's great, but I've still got some growing up to do.
There's just been some really boneheaded moves I've made that have inadvertently hurt her. For that I've apologized and will continue to do so to try to atone. (And if you're reading this, I'm still very sorry for anything I've done that's hurt you. I love you, with all my heart. You are my world. You are my light. You are my everything.)