I curled up into a ball and wailed into a pillow last night. This past week has been, as I said earlier, terrible for me mentally. From longing to depression to anxiety to fear of letting someone down to the terrifying thought that I'm fucking everything up and not knowing it to pure nothingness. It's all come crashing down on me like tidal waves.
Most of the day the sea is calm, then out goes the water in a flash. Before I can prepare for what's coming, the massive wave slams upon the shore. It floods ever inwards until my dam stops it. My crumbling psyche holds back as much as it can. Drips slip through cracks. A tear slides down my cheek. The pattern continues until the dam just can't hold out any longer. In an instant the barrier falls and I end up bawling like an infant.
Last night's breakdown was the worst I've had in a long time because I kept reinforcing the dam instead of letting it go. I wanted to be strong, not just for me but for her. Turns out I'm just not strong enough. But maybe that's okay. Maybe being vulnerable, even for an extended period of time, will help more than it hurts. Just right now it hurts quite a bit, and I worry about too many things.