Monday, August 17, 2015

Blaugust Day ??: Sometimes I Fall Behind

I'm a procrastinator. Always have been. Deadlines usually help, but not always. That includes challenges like Blaugust. Then again sometimes life and my own mind get in the way.

I haven't had a true depressive episode in just under a year. This past weekend it came back with a vengeance. It was triggered after my girlfriend left to go back to her house in Vegas. Normally I'm hit hard whenever she leaves, but not like this. To fall back into a mode where all I felt was nothing, where I just went through the motions of the day, was terrifying. I was on the verge of panic attacks a couple times Friday and Saturday. Mustering up what little strength I could, I tried to power through. It barely worked. And it wasn't just the loneliness that caused my regression, but a general piling on of all the bullshit baggage I carry around with me in the back of my head.

My form of therapy was cleaning my room. I have a pile of shit to throw out now, and I feel like I have more to do. There's so much useless crap in my life. Need to rid myself of it. That includes all of these negative thoughts and insecurities. Maybe it's time to seek professional help—terrifying as that thought is.

So yeah, it's no real excuse, but I wanted to explain why I suck sometimes.

3 comments:

  1. You do NOT suck. You are awesome who happened to be struggling at the moment, and that is ok.

    Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You indeed do NOT suck. That's one thing.

    Here's another. I've been through this depression thing. I struggled with it for over a decade, spending half my time in denial and the other half in a futile attempt to WILL my way out of it. Because I'm smart and educated and if I *know* what's wrong with me, surely I can fix it.

    Doesn't work. And the longer it lasts, the more your brain chemistry gets fucked up and the worse it can get. We don't try to *will away* the flu (well, good luck to those who do), and it's really not that different.

    For me the trick was accepting that I simply could not make my way out of the belly of the wolf by myself. I had a few good days, a number of decent days... and more than too many days where you wake up in the black for no reason at all and can't do anything to get out of it.

    Reach out. Get help. Talk to your doctor or a therapist and consider your options. I dreaded the idea of meds (both because of the implied weakness of character and because of the possible effects and loss of 'me'), but I'm self-aware enough to be able to judge what affects me poorly and what helps me without turning me into someone I don't recognise.

    I don't want to waffle on, but if you need to talk about this to a total stranger (it can be easier) or whatnot, mail me at ysharros -at- gmail dot com.

    Stay strong.

    ReplyDelete
  3. That is not about sucking, that is about trying to prioritize the importance of your own health. There isn't any blogging challenge that's remotely as important, nor should it be. I started Blaugust just as my doctor and I were adjusting the anxiety/depression meds I'd finally gotten on. That's not to say meds are the answer for everyone, only that before I had the help I needed I wouldn't even have had it in me to try. Good luck and good thoughts, take care of yourself in whatever way work for you.

    ReplyDelete